Alabama Football is a cult religion. A cult may be defined as a pseudo-religion that often uses psychological manipulation to entrap and maintain its membership. The religious iconography is everywhere. Turn down Paul Bryant Drive and visit Bryant-Denny stadium. Many people were wearing hounds tooth hats. Mr. Bryant has been gone for a quarter of a century yet he is still worshipped. The psychological manipulation occurs in the mindless repetition of short, meaningless phrases. And if you are not very smart, the PA announcer gives cues so the worshippers can join the religious litany. (“First down Alabama,” and the masses, on cue, “Roll Tide.") The faithful enter a state of trance-like reverie, with eyes glazed over and loss of control of salivation. I was reminded of the swaying, worshipping masses during the human sacrifice scene in Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto.
I saw fans that were obviously in the throes of profound mental illness. Even though their team was winning by a comfortable margin, these folks still alternated uncontrollably between euphoria and violent anger. On offense, if the team on any given play achieved anything less than a touchdown or first down (“roll tide”) the fans around me would scream “idiots!” or even vile profanities at their own team. Then, moments later, sheer delight. This to me reflects depression, dysthymic disorder, personality disorder and perhaps ever Tourette’s syndrome. No thank you. These poor people need medication and psychotherapy.
All hope for me becoming a fan was lost at halftime. They trotted out the 1979 team so that we could worship them while the 2009 team rested in the locker room. I was relieved to see that they were overweight, gray, and limping like the rest of us. Nevertheless they were hailed as superheroes of the Alabama faith. The PA announcer pointed out that these athletes won every game, 5 of which were by 30 or more points and even beat Vanderbilt 66-3. It has been 30 years and I had just about forgotten it, but I was reminded that I was at that game. That was the day I started hating Alabama. Who but an uncivilized bully would ever run up the score like that? And why keep living ancient history? No, these fans are uncouth Philistines and I will never be one.
I already have a religion. I do not want a mental illness. No rational person likes a bully. My heartfelt thanks go out to the Alabama team and fans who reminded me once again that I do not want to be one of them.
